Releasing the lies that bind us

Humans seem to have a complicated relationship with the truth. We worship honesty as a pillar of society, religion, and our personal value systems. But our deepest instincts are rooted in survival, which often compels us to speak lies or hide the truth to avoid danger. At the same time, most of us also desire a life that offers more than basic survival — one filled with authenticity, love, trust, respect, and connection. It’s a classic double bind, so how do we break free? Through a process of challenging our fears, trusting ourselves, and releasing the lies that bind us.

The fab four of fear

You know who’s a really good liar? Fear. This talented storyteller in our brain stirs up our anxiety and triggers the fab four of survival responses:  fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. (If you’re new to fawning or the need to please response, read up here.) These kick in to protect us, even when it’s all in our imagination.

I’d like to nominate a fifth one: the Fib response.

In the same way a chameleon uses camouflage to escape danger, lying is sometimes a reaction to a threat — especially if it’s too dangerous to fight or we aren’t able to flee. Like when a parent or boss is screaming at us or we make a mistake that could cost a fortune or ruin our reputation. Our instinct is to avoid conflict and consequences at all costs. At times, it can be a matter of life or death.

Self-protection is one thing, but self-abandonment is another. Some of us get so caught up in the web of stories we weave, we lose touch with who we are or how we feel about anything.

Plus, if we habitually suppress our opinions or feelings to avoid conflict and consequences, we also suppress our personal vibration, or energy field. This not only blocks our ability to attract a meaningful life beyond mere survival, it also erodes our health and relationships.

Hidden health costs

In the book, When the Body Says No, author Dr. Gabor Mate writes about the Type C personality. This is “characterized by a tendency to suppress or repress emotions, particularly anger, while maintaining a facade of pleasantness and helpfulness.”

According to doctors and researchers like Dr. Mate, there are strong correlations between Type C behavior and particular health issues — including increased stress levels and a weakened immune system as well as diseases like cancer; autoimmune disorders like arthritis; neurodegenerative conditions like MS; and hormonal imbalances.

Not so coincidental that many of these strike women at much higher rates than men.

If a woman expresses anger, she’s crazy and unfeminine. If she cries, she’s too emotional and lacks self-control. If she asks for what she deserves, she’s demanding and a nag. So, many of us choose to suppress the truth rather than deal with being judged or risking the ‘male gaze.‘

Again, double bind.

Breaking connections

It takes years to build trust, seconds to break it, and forever to repair. This anonymous quote sums up the impact of lying on relationships.

Humans are wired for connection, according to sociologist and writer Brene Brown. The Fib response can destroy a connection in a matter of seconds.

Once a lie comes to light, it drops a bomb on the whole relationship — spraying shrapnel over the past, present, and future. Because one lie can cast doubt and distrust on every other interaction. We can’t help but wonder, Why would they lie to me? Did they ever tell the truth? Can I be sure they won’t lie again?

When the foundation of trust is gone, not many have the stamina to spend forever trying to repair it. It’s a tough road.

From a metaphysical perspective, that shrapnel causes a kind of internal bleeding of our energy field, weakening our personal vibration. Like attracts like, so if we desire authentic connections — with ourselves and others — we need to strengthen higher vibrational energy.

Nothing but the truth

Choosing to live authentically is not for the faint of heart, especially in a society that rewards conformity and punishes truth tellers. Plus, not everyone appreciates honest interactions.

Life coach, Martha Beck, PhD, discovered this when she made a resolution of tell nothing but the truth for a full year. She tells the story in her book, The Way of Integrity—which included not only losing relationships and receiving threats on her life but also healing her health and recovering peace and joy.

“I spent a lot of my life lying to get what I thought I wanted,” writes Martha. “Here’s what I found out: if I live in the truth, I’ll always come out okay. Because only the truth has legs. At the end of the day, it’s the only thing left standing.”

Of course, it takes courage to unlearn the ‘Fib’ reflex, especially when coupled with the ‘Fawn’ response (the disease to please). Fear and anxiety create a double whammy of emotional triggers.

Yet if this becomes a habit, we eventually lose connection to our authentic self. Even those seemingly insignificant responses, like saying it’s okay or I’m fine when it’s not okay and we’re not fine. After a while, we grow numb to what we believe or how we feel. (I also wrote about this in The Levee of Little White Lies.)

Pick your battles

It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes lying supports a greater truth. For example, the courageous people who lied to authorities to help free slaves through the Underground Railroad—or to help Jews escape from Nazi occupied countries during WWII.

This is the epitome of choosing to live in alignment with our values and integrity, not to mention overriding our fears. It’s also another double bind when religion, capitalism, or cultural traditions promote a different set of values that defend such atrocities.

This is one of the most dangerous consequences of losing touch with our inner truth. The farther we drift away from our personal integrity and default to going along to get along, the easier we are to manipulate and control. Like a sweet dog that turns ferocious when swept away by the pack.

We see this happening all the time, from crazy-makers in Congress to bullies in the boardroom. How do we find the strength to stand in our truth?

Silencing the noise

First, we need to make time to disconnect from the noise of the outside world, advises Martha. This opens the door for us to tune into the voice of our inner truth.

The “rat race” promotes busyness, productivity, and following orders, not unplugging, reflection, and following our intuition. (Remember, sloth is one of the seven deadly sins!)

Yet, spending time in solitude, such as meditating or observing nature, is an ancient healing practice. Still, taking a break from the daily demands on our time and attention can be seen as a luxury we can’t afford.

On the flip side, can we afford NOT to when our health, relationships, and personal integrity are at stake?

We can start by taking five or ten minutes of meditation or focused breathing before getting out of bed. We could practice yoga or silently observe a beautiful sunrise. With a little more time, reflective writing in a journal can help us identify where and why we suppress our truth and take small steps towards releasing the lies that bind us. (I’ve offered some journaling prompts below.)

In the end

Each of us developed survival strategies, like Fib or Fawn, for very good reasons — so they’re tough to break. Fortunately, unlike a lizard, our highly evolved human brain has the capacity to challenge our fear responses and envision a higher purpose. But we need to be aware of why we’re afraid to begin releasing the lies that bind us.

The Beatles, AKA the original Fab Four, wrote, “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”  Love, according to spiritual philosophers, is the opposite of fear not hate.

Which makes me wonder if in the end we’ll regret lying to survive rather than finding the courage to live our truth. Not because we’ll be judged at the gates of heaven, but because we missed out on the gifts of authentic love, connection, joy, meaning, and purpose.

We may not want to wait a lifetime to find out.

Want more good vibrations? Check out my website. 

Desire more authenticity in your life? Explore these writing prompts in your journal:

• What part of me feels unsafe about telling the truth?
• What’s a lie I’ve told to stay safe? Who or what was I protecting?
• Where did I learn to lie or mask the truth? Did I use it as a survival strategy?
• What do I fear would happen if I spoke or behaved authentically?
• What would it look like for me to live in alignment with my true self?
• What truth am I ready to begin telling—first to myself?