Time to wring out the old

They say that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. That always struck me as a little dismissive, not to mention morbid. Most of us are not hoping for anyone to die; we’d truly like to just “forgive and forget.” But try as we might, painful memories often pop up from nowhere, reigniting old feelings of anger, disappointment, and regret. It becomes a sort of emotional residue that blocks our ability to move forward in life. No wonder many of us make the same resolutions year after year. But even if we don’t bother with resolutions, taking time to wring out the old can help clear the path towards ringing in the new — whatever that may be.

A blessing or a curse?

We may judge resentment as a failure of our ability to let go of the past. But what if it held the keys to improving our ability to attract success?

This is what Dr. Rick Hanson, a clinical psychologist, explains in an episode of the Being Well podcast on The Psychology of Resentment. He says that resentment is grounded in the sense of powerlessness that arises when we experience or witness an injustice, but can’t do anything about it.

Maybe we don’t feel safe speaking up because of clear or perceived threats or we’ve tried but others rejected, minimized, or ignored our concerns. Or maybe we’ve been raised to doubt ourselves, minimize our feelings, or put our needs on the back burner.

Whatever the reason, this lack of resolution causes a ‘stickiness’ to resentment. This leads to ruminating thoughts or repeatedly sharing our painful story with others — and often using unhealthy substances or behaviors to distract from painful feelings.

While all this may seem mostly harmless, this is the emotional residue that keeps us stuck in limbo — like Sleeping Beauty after eating the poison apple.

The antidotes, according to Dr. Hanson, are honest communication and clear expectations. Easy enough, right?

Breaking the spell

Of course, if it were that easy, we wouldn’t be clinging to resentments at work, at home, with friends, with extended family, and the list goes on.

Sometimes it truly IS unsafe to speak up — or we do, repeatedly, but nothing changes because others simply don’t care or they’re equally powerless to help. Sometimes those involved in whatever happened aren’t even alive anymore.

Yet negative emotions create negative energy in our bodies. So, no matter where the sticky residue of resentment is hanging on, we still need to “wring out the old” and clear it from our energy.

In his practice, Dr. Hanson helps patients process resentment by following some specific steps. Check out the podcast for a deeper dive, but here are my Cliff’s notes:

• Mindfulness: Create space to allow our feelings to come up.
• Compassion: Practice non-judgment for ourselves.
• Perspective: Open up to the bigger picture of what happened and why.
• Find meaning: Identify insights and lessons learned.
• Action plan: Use the antidotes mentioned above to resolve and/or prevent issues.

It’s helpful to work through these steps with a counselor or a life coach — or we can turn to our trusty journal.

Write it out, clear it out

When we write with the intention of processing buried emotions, we give voice to the injustices that occurred.

While we may never right the wrongs of the past, the act of writing acknowledges our pain and struggle. It can also help us break through blocks to achieving our heart’s desires.

I couldn’t help but notice that his steps mirror my Restorative Writing practice. Much like Restorative Yoga, this type of journaling helps us release blocked energy and restore ourselves to a place of peace, calm, and clarity.

To begin, find some quiet time to capture the details of what happened in a journal. Writing by hand (vs. typing) is crucial because it engages specific parts of the brain that help us remember, make connections, and heal.

It’s also important to express how we felt at the time without judging or censoring ourselves — that’s why we buried these emotions in the first place. (If necessary, burn the pages afterward.)

Once we acknowledge and express all ‘the feels,’ we can move on to the steps of considering a broader perspective, finding meaning, and creating a plan of potential action steps. For guidance, I’ve shared some journaling prompts below.

Prime the pump

If the words don’t seem to flow so easily in our journal, consider priming the pump with a mindfulness practice.

In psychology and spirituality, water represents emotions and symbolizes the subconscious. The water element is also associated with our Sacral Chakra energy center, which serves as our “gateway to feeling, connecting, and creating.” When this chakra is blocked, we can struggle to express and even identify our needs, desires, and emotions.

We can also lose connection with our creative source. And keep in mind, creativity is not limited to writing a novel or painting a masterpiece. Creativity is also about envisioning, designing, and manifesting our path in life.

Opening the flow of energy in the Sacral Chakra can help us break through blocks. One way is to practice a hip opening yoga posture called butterfly pose. (Bonus: It helps ease tightness from too much sitting.) Another option is to listen to a sacral chakra sound bath or guided meditation. Better yet, combine the two, which can be really powerful.

Then return to our Restorative Writing practice.

Put a wring on it

Not so surprisingly, the second Friday in January is known as Quitters’ Day because most resolutions don’t even last through the month! Yet, whether we chose to make resolutions or not, we all want to attract positive relationships and experiences this year.

Here’s the key: We are energetic beings operating in a vibrational universe where like attracts like. When we harbor negative emotions, we vibrate at lower frequencies. These lower vibrations are like bottom feeders that attract more of the same.

That’s why we need to intentionally wring out old resentments and associated emotions. Even if we do nothing else, we raise our personal vibration, and in turn, attract higher vibrational beings and experiences into to our lives.

This year, break the spell of limbo and make a resolution to stop chewing on poison apples. Take time to wring out the old and write a real-life happy ending that restores the powerful being within!

More Good Vibrations tools & resources:

• Interested in more ways to nurture calm? Check out my blog, Time to be a Sloth.
• Feeling anxious or guilty about taking time to rest? Dissolve that block with my reflective journaling prompts below.
• Interested in coaching or reading past blogs? Check out my website, Manifest with Margrita. 

Restorative Writing prompts

• What old grievances do I have trouble releasing? What causes me to ruminate?
• Are there old painful stories that I tell myself and others again and again?
• What feelings come up? Do I try to repress or ignore them? Why?
• Who or what is connected to these memories? (A caregiver, sibling, church, school, etc.) Do they remind me of someone or something in my present experience?
• Looking at a bigger picture, what insights or lessons can I identify through my current lens?
• What would I like to express or do differently going forward? Is there a conversation, a boundary, or a change that needs to happen?
• Is something holding me back from the above? How can I support myself in moving forward?