The good opinion of others

Many of us are motivated by the good opinion of others. We seek positive attention, from compliments and pats on the back to likes and followers on social media. Maybe it all started with gold stars in grade school. Even those of us who believe we’re immune to such influences may be surprised when we look a little deeper.

Good doggie!

Years ago, I heard motivational speaker, Dr. Wayne Dyer, say that becoming “independent of the good opinion of others” is key to reaching the highest level of self-development. This is called self-actualization in the Hierarchy of Needs, a  theory developed in 1943 by psychologist Abraham Maslow. (Image below)

I thought, wait, isn’t that backwards? Good opinions are good. Aren’t we all seeking those? That’s how we know what’s expected from us at work, school, church, or even with our family; who to date or befriend; how to raise our kids; and even what’s appropriate to eat, say, or wear. (Ever watch What Not to Wear? Those people were brutal!)

If we aren’t careful about our choices, we could risk bad opinions as well as ridicule, rejection, shame, abandonment, and so many other terrifying consequences.

Two sides, same coin

As it turns out, good and bad opinions are two sides of the same coin. They’re both rooted in looking outward for motivation and validation vs. looking inward.

It’s how we train a dog: Sit or fetch = receive a tasty treat, plus attention and connection that ensures their safety and security. It’s also how little children, with their budding brains, learn how to navigate the world.

In both cases, it’s all about survival, which is the bottom of the pyramid. That’s because until our very basic needs are met, like food and shelter, our fear brains can’t think about anything else. Certainly not self-actualization!

Simple is good, right?

Sometimes the simplicity of a dog’s life sounds pretty good. Just do as we’re told and no one gets hurt. Our tribe (family/church/friends) will love and protect us. We’ll get married, join groups, get promoted at work, and live a pretty nice life.

What could be wrong with that?

Well, let’s consider the state of our country and the world.

No matter who or where we are, we’re witnessing major divisiveness.  We see people aligning with their social and political “tribes” rather connecting as human beings. And we see a lot of listening and reacting to “opinions” or external drivers rather than our inner guidance system.

Some of us are angry, some are frightened, some want to just give up. I have all these feelings in the space of a day!

We may also feel powerless to do anything about it. What I remind myself in those moments is that each individual’s energy contributes to the energy of the whole. This is why becoming self-actualized is so important, for us and for the world around us.

Stuck in first gear

What exactly does it mean to be self-actualized?

Unlike canines, our brains grow and evolve to give us magical abilities beyond basic survival.

When we become self-actualized, we tap into our higher brain functions. This is how we are able to create a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives; use creativity and ingenuity to solve challenges; accept ourselves and others rather than judge; and think critically rather than be influenced by the good opinions of others — or the bad.

This doesn’t mean we’re impervious to feedback, nor should we be. Or that we never seek advice from trusted friends or confidants.

It means we use these amazing functions of the human brain to pause, assess, and process opinions, good or bad, before acting upon them.

Unfortunately, our childhood experiences can shape our brains in ways that keep us stuck in survival mode. This can be anything from ‘big T’ trauma, like violence or abuse, to ‘little t” trauma, like criticism and embarrassment. Adult experiences can reinforce this, blocking us from rising to our full potential.

When we’re in survival mode, it’s like being stuck in a car’s first gear. We can’t seem to move forward on our own. We keep looking to others to take the wheel or we stall out.

The cheese stands alone 

In the center of Maslow’s pyramid, just above safety and security, is our need for love and belonging. This is also why our ‘tribe’ means so much.

As researcher Brene Brown says, “Human beings are hardwired to connect with others…without it, there is suffering.” Think about how children suffer when ostracized by their friends. We do as well.

Interestingly, our heart chakra is also located in the middle of our body, a conduit between the lower and higher chakras.

One of the ways our heart chakras get blocked is when we can’t risk being vulnerable. So, we suffer with symptoms like heart palpitations, poor blood circulation, heart pain, angina, or lung issues like asthma. Emotionally, we may feel disconnected, depressed, or lonely even among lots of people.

We may also feel haunted by grief for others, as well as the loss of our own true selves.

Pour some sugar on me

It’s no surprise that this chronic seeking of validation is also called “the disease to please.” In addition to being unhealthy, it’s addictive.

Just like sugar or nicotine, positive feedback triggers dopamine in our brains—those feel-good hormones we all desire. We’d wag our tails if we had them!

But imagine if we work diligently on a project at home or work, but no one notices. Or we feel especially fetching in a new outfit or hairstyle, and no one compliments us. Or we go out of our way to do something for someone, but they don’t acknowledge it.

We could practically taste that dopamine rush coming, but it never materializes. We may think, what’s the point of even bothering?

No wonder we turn to a drink, a donut, or a cigarette to get that boost. Another insidious side effect of the disease to please.

The inner conflict

Many of us struggle with a very challenging inner conflict: how do we maintain an open heart by being honest about how we feel and what we need AND secure the love and belonging of our tribe?

This is when we need to phone a friend—and there’s no one who cares more about you than YOU. If that doesn’t feel true, then it’s time to start investing in that friendship.

By deepening the connection with our innermost being, we strengthen our love, appreciation, and trust in ourselves. This is how we also develop the courage and insight to make the journey towards self-actualization.

Become your BFF

So, how does anyone foster a new friendship or BFF (best friend forever)? By spending time getting to know what makes them tick. Two of the best ways I know to do this are:

• Meditation: Being still and breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) while calming the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight). This invites buried parts of us to feel safe enough to come out of hiding. It also delivers ‘after effects’ throughout our day, helping us be less reactive to comments or opinions of others. We’re more likely to pause and reflect rather than jump and react.
• Journaling: If a friend needed to talk, you’d ask questions and listen, right? That’s how this type of journaling works. Ask questions to yourself then just write what comes out. Like, what was my childhood like? My siblings? My parents? Writing is a powerful way to uncover beliefs and conditioning that keep us stuck in first gear. It also provides the acknowledgement and validation we all desire and deserve. Maybe no one else listened, but our journal and BFF will.

These simple practices help us connect with a deeper, more solid source of wisdom, our inner spirit—rather than a fleeting one, the good opinion of others. it’s also a way to heal our heart center and find the courage to be more honest and vulnerable. (In fact, courage comes from the Latin word ‘cor’ which means heart.)

Bonus: Meditation boosts dopamine levels, too. As does a walk, a yoga class, or spending time with a friend (like yourself!)

We get to choose

Choosing to climb the pyramid towards self-actualization is probably a lot like scaling Mount Everest. We must really desire to get to the top—where being authentic to ourselves is our topmost priority rather than earning the good opinion of others.

We can always choose to remain safely at base camp. But I believe the inner conflict persists — and only grows stronger over time.

Blame it on our magnificent (yet often underused) brains. Like a high-performance sports car, our cerebral cortex just wants us to max out sixth gear. But so often, we choose to idle through our lives.

All change happens from the inside out. If we truly wish to create a more self-actualized population, we must first create that within ourselves.

Whether we realize it or not, we’re the driver in our lives and our choices impact the whole. We can break free from the good opinion of others and follow our own path, or not.

It’s between you and your BFF.

Get more Good Vibrations!

As a certified holistic life coach, my goal is to share the insights I gather along my personal path of growth and healing to help inspire and guide others. Please share my Good Vibrations blog with someone who needs a change in perspective today. To learn more about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com or email me at [email protected].