If you want different results

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not a narcissist. Why? Because you’re looking to improve something in your life. Unlike a narcissist, you value self-reflection, take responsibility for your behavior, and are willing to make changes—if you want different results. What a concept!

The pleaser and the narcissist

According to psychologists,  narcissists lack the ability to reflect on personal behavior, take accountability, or be willing to change anything about themselves. Instead, they create a self-centered universe of people who feed their egos, serve their needs, and never challenge them. They get away with this because they are often quite attractive and charming as well. People who get stuck in a narcissist’s web are often pleasers who have trouble saying no. Blinded by their charms, they’ll go along with this lopsided relationship for a while until they wise up.

Best friends forever

It reminds me of a friend I used to know. People of both sexes flocked to her like moths to a bright, shiny light. Including me. She was attractive, carefree, and charismatic. Everything was a party when she was around. She was always getting away with things that would get the average person in trouble. I never questioned her behavior–it seemed exciting and fun to my twenty-year-old self. But when we got a little older, I began to notice a flip side to our friendship. During conversations with her, I never got a word in edgewise. If I did succeed at squeezing in a few sentences, she’d reroute the topic to her. She loved to lecture about the ‘right’ way to do things, from practicing faith to raising children, which of course was her way. Her risky behavior seemed, well, risky. And I often caught her stretching the truth for no apparent reason, but I never called her out.

A pattern becomes clear

One day when I was at my newspaper job, she emailed to ask if I’d write a story about her to help promote her new business venture. I explained that due to objectivity concerns, I couldn’t write about a friend, but I could introduce her to my editor. Seemed simple enough. She wrote back to tell me I was not a good friend and never spoke to me again. The swiftness and ease at which she cut me out of her life really hurt. But it was truly a gift: The pleaser in me discovered the power of no.

I began to take a hard look at all the relationships in my life. I noticed a clear pattern and knew I needed to make some changes.

If you want different results

You might ask, why was I the one who needed to change? First of all, the only person you have the power to change is yourself. Secondly, she was not the only person like this in my circle. And when there’s a pattern in your life, you need to pay attention. Because it’s not about them, it’s about you. Your personal patterns are important clues. By recognizing and exploring them, you can make changes to them– if you want different results.

That’s an important caveat: If you want different results.

It’s never too late to change

For me, I did want different results. I wanted authentic relationships based on a balance of give and take. I didn’t know how to make that happen, so I turned to the support of counselors and coaches. They helped open my eyes to how my relationships and experiences were a direct result of my beliefs and behaviors. I learned about boundaries which didn’t exist in my household growing up. But it’s never too late to change your beliefs and behavior if you want different results.

You deserve relationships in your life where you feel valued and respected. If you don’t feel that way—whether with friends, family, or colleagues—you can choose to change your pattern. If you want different results.

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