Nature, nurture and now what?

Nature, nurture and now what? Modern researchers continue to debate over how much our genes vs. our experiences influence who we become. But the most significant sidebar to this conversation is the fact that we can change the outcome through the beliefs we adopt and the choices we make. In other words, whatever you inherited by nature or experienced through nurture is your past. You likely couldn’t control it. But it can control you, unless you choose to explore and take responsibility for your beliefs and behaviors. That’s where now what? comes in.

Nature is full of surprises

The gorgeous hunk of a man in the cover photo is not a male model. That’s my dad circa 1945. I don’t remember him that way, of course, since I wasn’t born until two decades later. One memory that’s still very clear was his passion for the ponies. Every weekend, he was either at the race track or watching the colorful horses and jockeys on TV. Our tiny garage was stacked floor to ceiling with his collection of racing forms. He drove our station wagon with a racing form perched on the steering wheel, one eye on the road, one on the stats. On Saturday mornings, my little sister and I climbed into the back of that wagon to ride along to the newspaper stand where he’d pick up the latest copy plus coloring books for us.

One August afternoon he waved goodbye as he left for the race track. But he never came home. In the middle of the crowd, a blood vessel burst in his brain and he passed out. He died a week later.

At the time, I was only ten years old, so I never thought he influenced much of who I became as an adult. I wasn’t fond of horses, nor did I have his sharp nose or outgoing personality. But one day, I found a clipping from my parents’ high school newspaper in a box of old photos. Apparently, my father was an aspiring sportswriter. As I read his article, I recognized a writing voice that sounded eerily familiar: It was mine. I had no idea he’d been a writer. Meanwhile I was following in his footsteps.

Coincidence? I don’t think so

More paternal influences filtered into my consciousness after I married a man who was handsome and hardworking — a master mechanic by trade. Although I’d always known my dad to be a foreman for General Electric, my birth certificate listed him as a mechanic. Interesting. My husband, too, was obsessed with racing (drag racing) and a different kind of pony, a Ford Mustang. Then there was his love affair with bodybuilding—he watched competitions on TV, read all the magazines, spent nights and weekends at the gym. One day I found this photo of my dad posing at the beach and realized I had one almost exactly like it of my husband. Coincidence? Or was nature and nurture weaving their way into my adult life in ways I never suspected?

Codependent no more

A few years into my marriage, something else became clear: My husband had a serious drinking problem. While my dad never drank, there’d been signs of a gambling problem. Both of these men in my life had another not-so-attractive quality in common: A Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde temperament. One day charming, funny, sweet, and playful, but the next day (or even the next moment) angry, hurtful, mean, and scary. Whether it was related to the drinking or the gambling, I wasn’t sure. But it really didn’t matter. My response to the situation mattered. As a young wife, I repeated what I’d learned as a child: Hoped and prayed for Dr. Jekyll to come home from work each day. But when Mr. Hyde appeared, I’d tiptoe on eggshells or run for cover. Until one day I couldn’t do it anymore.

Nature, nurture, and now what?

That was my now what? moment. While nature or nurture conspired to imprint me with this dynamic, I didn’t have to accept it as my fate. I knew I couldn’t change my husband (years of trying proved that) but I did have a choice in how I responded to his behavior.  I discovered, through counseling and coaching, that if I wanted to change this dynamic and create a more peaceful life, I needed to understand and heal my own issues. In other words, find my own answers to now what?

Heeding that call led me to a place where I no longer hoped and prayed for Dr. Jekyll to grace my home with peace and joy; I created that myself.

Dealing with an unhappy or unhealthy relationship at home or work? A life coach can help you explore the story behind your nature vs. nurture—and more importantly, find the answers to your ‘now what?’  Visit my website, ManifestwithMargrita.com, to learn more about coaching or to schedule a free consultation.