Wooing your heartfelt desires

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon: What better time to reflect on what your heart truly desires. Whether personal or professional, romantic or spiritual, if you have it already, be sure to celebrate it. If not, maybe it’s time to learn the secret to wooing your heartfelt desires.

As I ponder this myself, a concept from the brilliant Brene Brown comes to mind: Soft front, hard back. A soft front means the courage to maintain an open heart—to be vulnerable and share your true self with others. Hard back means having the ‘backbone’ to set clear boundaries, which also requires courage especially if you’ve been shamed or rejected in your past.

Gonna harden my heart

Many of us are so uncomfortable with stating our needs and wants or with saying no, our hearts are open season for everyone. We give our time, energy, money and love away to anyone who asks—and even to some who don’t! Then we wonder why we get stabbed in the heart or feel exhausted, angry, resentful, and confused.

On the other end of the spectrum, some of us choose the strategy of hardening our hearts—closing ourselves to openness and intimacy. We make sure no one ever gets close enough to slice open that tenacious yet tender organ that encompasses our true selves.

Meanwhile, neither of these strategies is effective in wooing your heartfelt desires.

Ancient survival skills

I’m a Cancer, so I opted for the latter strategy. As a small child, I learned quickly how to protect myself from dangerous people and situations. Crawling into the safety of my shell, I’d ‘bob and weave’ to avoid danger — as those curious little sand creatures are known to do. It was an effective strategy that I carried into adulthood, helping me to protect myself from sea monsters in my personal or work life.

Eventually I began to see the errors of my ways. I was in pure survival mode. My strategy ensured safety, but failed to provide me with my true heart’s desire: A joyful, authentic, and meaningful life that comes from embracing softness and vulnerability, as Brene says.

Fortunately, through the wisdom of counselors, coaches and other experts, I discovered the secret power of boundaries — the ability to set limits on what you will and will not accept.

Daring to take a stand

At first, I thought establishing boundaries would make me seem crazy and demanding—like those shocking feminists who had the nerve to fight for equality in the 70s. Today’s young women embrace feminism as an irrefutable way of life, at least in the U.S. But those who dared to first speak out faced ridicule, exclusion, isolation, and violence.

Of course, we’ve seen this happen again and again to any person or group who has the audacity to know their worth and speak their truth. They are blackballed, shamed, fired, shunned, and even murdered. That’s enough to make anyone go running for the safety of the metaphorical crab shell.

Just do it

Setting limits is critical to obtaining your heartfelt desires — not to mention maintaining your mental, physical, and spiritual health. But how do we achieve a soft front, hard back without fear? The truth is we can’t. As they say, we must feel the fear and do it anyway.

We can find courage in the knowledge that setting boundaries is the ultimate act of loving and honoring ourselves. That’s more important than anything else.

The ultimate barometer

If you want to know who truly honors your heart, set a boundary. It’s the ultimate barometer. Because those who trounce on your boundaries don’t honor or respect your heart — or you as a person. It may come as a painful realization, especially if you’ve trusted someone who betrays you. But take it from someone who’s been there way too many times: It does not reflect your value or worth. Those people don’t honor themselves either or they wouldn’t behave that way. But their issues are not yours to fix.

What does reflect your value and worth is how YOU honor YOU. The way you demonstrate that is through setting clear boundaries, which is a skill we build through practice. If setting boundaries—or softening your heart—is new to you, think of a small thing you’ve been afraid to ask or express. Go slow and be kind to yourself as you grow.

Please remember: When someone ignores or discards your needs and feelings, that’s simply clarifying information. Rather than getting angry or giving up, find another way to honor your needs. If it happens frequently, consider whether that person is someone you really want in your life.

Wooing your heartfelt desires

Wooing your heartfelt desires, like wooing a new lover, takes time, patience, and devotion. But the pursuit of love is always worth it.

Plus, small successes in one area, no matter how seemingly insignificant, spill over into other areas. Don’t try to swallow the elephant all at once as they say. For one thing, you’ll choke. Next, you’ll go running for the shelter of your own version of the crab shell. Meanwhile, there’s an entire ocean of joy waiting for you to dive in.

Just make sure you have a solid backstroke first.

Wishing you love, light, and limits this Valentine’s Day!

I am a holistic life coach who specializes in expressive writing to nurture healing, insight, and creativity. For more information about that, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com.  If you have a question or topic you’d like me to write about here, or would like to join my Good Vibrations email community, email me at [email protected]. I also invite you to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn.