A better way to measure success

When we’re about to enter a new decade in our lives, as I am, we often call it ‘the big one.’ Like those of us who remember Y2K, these big birthdays can fill us with the urge to party like it’s 1999. On the flip side, we may feel panic as we tick off all the things we have yet to accomplish by the time the clock strikes midnight on that magical day. Whether it’s to get married by 30 or named partner by 40, if we’re not keeping pace with our friends or peers or our own expectations, we can feel as deflated as an airless balloon. Yet, all these numbers and timelines — and the milestones themselves — are completely manufactured in our own heads. By choosing to view our lives through a more perceptive and expansive lens, we discover a better way to measure success.

Just a piece of the puzzle

Yes, numbers play an important role in society. Aside from marking the passage of time, we rely on them to create everything from recipes and blueprints to flight plans and computer programs.

But in our personal or professional lives, we often fixate on numbers as a way to measure success. It might be the number in our bank account or on the scale. Test scores at school or performance ratings at work.

Yet, a research scientist doesn’t judge an experiment as good or bad based on numerical results. Instead, they use them to shape a story or theory. And a good doctor doesn’t base a patient’s health on numbers alone. They look at personal history, lifestyle habits, and other factors that matter just as much if not more than scores on a chart.

So why do we look at our lives in such a one-dimensional way when there’s a better way to measure success?

Success is more than skin deep

We’ve all heard ’50 is the new 40′ and ’40 is the new 30′ and on and on. i guess eventually ’10 will be the new zero.’

Some will say that it’s about feeling ten years younger. But feelings are emotions and have nothing to do with age. We choose how we feel in every moment of every day. Yes, we may slow down and have more aches and pains. But as the good doctor will say, much of how we feel stems from lifestyle choices.

Shaving ten years off is essentially opting to go backward in life rather than forward. To negate those years also negates a decade of precious life experiences that help us grow and move forward in life.

For example, when I turned 30, I wondered if I’d ever find ‘the one.’ By 50, I’d divorced ‘the one.’ Would I have preferred to turn back time, avoid all the heartaches, and maybe look a little younger to boot? No. Because I earned a goldmine of compassion and insight that helped me grow in so many important ways.

Even better, my ex and I created an extraordinary human who fills me with pride and joy every day. If that’s not a better way to measure success, I don’t know what is.

Pearls of wisdom

If we’re going to meaningfully measure success in our lives, we need to know what really matters to US. Not what society or anyone else decides for us. Only you, and your inner circle, know what that is.

It could be the years we sacrificed other goals to be there for our children. Or how we coped with and found our way out of an unhealthy relationship. Or when we helped our aging parents navigate illness and end of life. Or how we responded to the many other challenging curve balls that life throws our way.

These experiences can take a toll on our appearance, but they have the opposite effect on our inner spirit. Like a pearl that forms from the inner turmoil within an oyster, we develop compassion, strength, resilience, gratitude and so many other luminescent qualities. Numbers pale in comparison.

These experiences aren’t exactly what people share on their Fakebook feed. And that’s okay because as the insightful Brene Brown says, people earn the right to hear our stories. As precious as freshwater pearls, our personal challenges are for those souls who will handle them with care and respect.

So, if you’re in the midst of one of those situations, stay away from Fakebook and share your story with a real friend instead. Or just post something that gives you a lift. It’s guaranteed to lift someone else’s spirits, too.

Measuring the hard stuff

Being successful at the hard stuff cannot be measured by numbers. There’s no scorecard to tell us we got a 95 out of 100 in these situations. In fact, we never know if we’re doing any of it right.

If you’re a parent, you’ve likely spent more than a few sleepless nights wondering how you’ve screwed up your kids. If you’ve lost a loved one, you’ve likely found yourself plagued by unanswerable questions. Did I do enough? Did I say enough? Did I listen enough?

The fact that we even ask these questions means we cared enough to give our best in these important situations. That’s all we can do in any moment. If anything, the tears we shed are the only ‘score card’ we need — which, of course, are impossible to count.

The edge of seventeen

As I stand on the edge of 60 and not 17, I’m looking at success a little differently than I did decades ago. Instead of timelines and report cards, I choose to gauge my success through a deeper, more personal lens.

I’m giving myself an ‘exceeds expectations’ on the really hard situations I faced over the years. Because I don’t know how I made it through sometimes, but I did. And frankly, there are no manuals or guidelines for how to survive the shit storms in life.  I regret some things I did or didn’t say or do, but I always seek insight later and hopefully gain wisdom through reflection.

As for the people in my life, I give myself an A++. Because, somehow, I’ve attracted an amazing array of extraordinary human—and four-legged—beings into my life. These are the wonderful people who call me sister, friend, mom/cat mom, or daughter—including those who now dance among the angels in the spirit world now. Like the VISA commercial, their value is priceless — and immeasurable.

Numbers aren’t the story 

Since I was about 17, one of my favorite movies has been It’s a Wonderful Life, which flopped when it debuted in 1946. Probably because, after surviving the Great Depression and WWII, Americans were all about pursuing external measures of success. Yet decades later, this holiday tale remains a classic for good reason.

The main character, George Bailey, faces a series of challenges that lead him to consider taking his own life. Until the angel, Clarence, intervenes. At the end of the movie (spoiler alert), the whole town lines up to help George in his hour of need. And Clarence famously reminds George, “No man is a failure who has friends.” That’s when the tissues come out.

By today’s standards, George would have lots of followers on Fakebook. But again, numbers aren’t what matters. The real story is how George handled the hard parts in life. He made tough choices even when it meant passing up big adventure, big money, and big dreams of his own. Like being there for people in their darkest hour, standing up to the town bully, and even giving his life to save his family from financial disaster.

A better way to measure success

“The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges.” Wise words from Martin Luther King, Jr. The personification of this message is the beloved George Bailey, which is why this 75-year-old tale continues to touch our hearts to this day.

So, instead of counting the candles, we can be like George and count the hearts we’ve touched — or have touched us — along the way. Isn’t that such a better way to measure success?

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I’m a holistic life coach who specializes in expressive writing to nurture healing, insight, and creativity. Check out more inspirational articles at my blog, Good Vibrations. For more information about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com.  Have a question or topic you’d like me to write about here? Email me at [email protected]. I invite you to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn, too!