A wish for C.O.A.L. in your stocking

When I was a kid, my dad would tease us about getting coal in our stockings if we didn’t behave. I didn’t quite understand what coal was, but it didn’t sound good, so I tried to behave. Of course, now I know coal as a hard rock that miners dig from the earth’s belly to harvest heat and energy — and that it comes with many unwelcome side effects, like pollution and disease. But there’s another kind of coal that delivers warmth and comfort whenever we need it without conditions or unwanted side effects. A wish for C.O.A.L. in your stocking is about sending you this magical gift, whether you celebrate Christmas or not.

Healing through C.O.A.L.

The C.O.A.L. acronym is a way to remind us to practice loving-kindness towards ourselves. I discovered it in a wonderful book called The Realm of the Hungry Ghosts by Dr. Gabor Mate. The four steps of C.O.A.L. help us dig into the belly of our negative beliefs and release these hard, little rocks that block us from truly loving ourselves and embracing life to the fullest.

The term ‘scarred for life’ is accurate in that many of our childhood experiences steal our innocence and damage our self-perception unless we properly heal them.

C.O.A.L. offers an alchemy of spiritual healing: With Curiosity and Openness, we identify the scars. With Acceptance and Love, we release and transform them into insight and compassion for ourselves. As a bonus, this compassion naturally spreads to those around us.

The family curse

Like the coal in the stocking, there were many other aspects of my childhood that confused me. For example, the uncomfortable feeling that hummed inside me as steadily as the constant hum of the G.E. refrigerator in our kitchen.

I had no language for this because my family, like many of my generation, treated feelings like a four-letter word. In fact, it seemed way more acceptable to swear or punch a wall in my household than to talk about our anger, frustration, sadness, or pain. We often made jokes about a bad temper being ‘the family curse.’

Therapy helped me finally give a name to that hum inside: chronic anxiety. But as a child with no tools to manage the ‘hum,’ it manifested in other ways. Like perfectionism or struggling to speak up, even in my own family. Every time, my heart raced and my vocal chords froze.

Reverse the aging process

In another wonderful book, What Happened to You?,  Dr. Bruce A. Perry writes “We elicit from the world what we project into the world; but what you project is based on what happened to you as a child.”

Often we tell ourselves it’s all in the past or I didn’t have it as bad as someone else. Yet what happened to us shapes our personality in ways we may not even realize. That doesn’t mean we need to remain victims of circumstances, people, or experiences. We can take steps to reshape ourselves and our lives if we desire.

There are as many ways to approach this as there are types and levels of trauma. Counseling, meditation, art therapy, journaling, support groups. C.O.A.L. is essentially how they all work, moving from curiosity to love. It can also be a self-directed journaling practice when we’re feeling emotions we don’t understand.

Giving ourselves the time to process our trauma helps us to soften, if not completely heal, our scars. That’s how we reunite with our original innocence, radiance, wholeness, and joy.

There are mountains of products that promise to help reverse the aging process. What they really aim to do is condition us to see wrinkles, age spots, and hair loss as a source of shame rather than pride. Meanwhile, what steals our youth, vitality, and brilliancy are the negative experiences we keep buried like hard little rocks inside our hearts.

A wish for C.O.A.L. in your stocking is the gift of a true age eraser.

Shaping our stories

Chronic anxiety comes from unprocessed trauma. But instead of working to heal the trauma, we often stuff it down instead. That’s where the swearing and punching walls come in—as well as perfectionism, codependence, and addictions.

My anxiety exploded into uncontrollable anger when I lost my brother to suicide in 2008. Not only because anger is the first stage of grief. But because I sensed the real cause of death was long-held, unprocessed childhood trauma. After all, we grew up together in the same household,  church, neighborhood, and school system. Looking back, I recall so many incidents of cruelty and shame.

For example, by today’s standards the principal of our elementary school would be behind bars for emotional and physical child abuse. I’d seen him rain his verbal and physical assaults upon my brother. Big for his age with tons of nervous energy (that constant hum) coursing through him, my brother was an easy target for a rage-aholic.

I, on the other hand, became a vigilant, quiet, obedient, people pleaser—always on the lookout for the next bomb to drop. Yet even that didn’t keep me out of the line of fire. When I was in first grade, that monster snuck up behind me during lunch, grabbed the back of my dress, and threw me to the floor like a sack of garbage. My violation? Swinging my legs under that table causing the buckles on my Mary Janes to clink against the metal table.

You can bet I never did that again. And I still startle easily, especially when someone comes up behind me.

Releasing our blocks

We need to process our traumatic experiences. Otherwise, we may find ourselves haunted by them like ghosts of the past. For me, bullies kept showing up in my personal and professional life, no matter how hard I tried to please and be ‘good.’ The why behind this pattern became more clear as I studied the Buddha’s teachings on loving-kindness. As Guatama Buddha wrote:

“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Many of us search for love, acceptance, approval, and affection from others. Unfortunately, we can’t receive what we don’t believe we deserve. And we often don’t believe we do simply because of the poisonous voices that still live in our heads.

The practice of C.O.A.L. offers an antidote to that poison.

A wish for C.O.A.L. in your stocking

It’s easy to get caught up in anger and regret when we think about the past. I know it’s a slippery slope for me. (I’d really love to bitch-slap that principal. LOL. But, through processing my past, I no longer seem to attract bullies into my life.)

On a deeper level still, there are so many, many conversations I wish I’d had with my brother about our childhood, our shared experiences, and most of all, our feelings. Talks filled with the curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love we so very much needed as kids — and adults.

Years ago, I visited my brother in a dream. He looked as healthy, handsome, and vibrant as he did when we were in high school and was doing what he did for hours on end back then—listening to music. He looked over at me and said, I’m always listening but I may not hear so clearly when the music is playing.

I completely got what he meant, because music for him was like writing for me — a comforting, spiritual place where I can escape the world and lose myself for hours.

While writing this blog, I took a break to run an errand. Jumping into my Kia Soul, I turned on my favorite radio station, Youngstown’s Y-103. (Sorry, Cleveland.) At that very moment, the one song in the whole universe that I immediately associate with my brother began to play. I burst into tears,  healing tears. Just like my dream, his spirit continues to assure me that he’s listening. While we may not be able to converse on the physical plane, my wishes are always fulfilled on the spiritual plane.

I’m constantly amazed at how healing happens in such mysterious and miraculous ways. We just need to open the channel with Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance, and most of all, Love.

Get more Good Vibrations

Need more help getting unstuck? Contact me! I’m a holistic life coach who specializes in expressive writing to nurture healing, insight, and creativity. Check out more inspirational articles at my blog, Good Vibrations. For more information about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com.  Have a question or topic you’d like me to write about here? Email me at [email protected]. I invite you to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn, too!