The upside of quiet quitting

From TikTok to TV news, there’s a lot of buzz about quiet quitting—and a lot of ideas about what this trendy term means. Some may see it as a passive aggressive way of ‘giving the finger’ to a workplace situation or personal relationship by silently checking out. That, of course, has downsides. It doesn’t benefit anyone in the end, ourselves included. The upside of quiet quitting is about choosing a healthier way of living to help us avoid burnout at work or home. That is the best gift we can give ourselves and to the world around us.

New name for an old problem

According to the Wikipedia definition, quiet quitting is when “employees work within defined work hours and engage in work-related activities solely within those hours.” That to me sounds more like healthy boundaries.

Many of us did not grow up around healthy boundaries. In fact, the term didn’t go mainstream until the mid-80s, and the concept can still be confusing.

When we lack personal boundaries, we may believe that it’s loving and noble to sacrifice our time, energy, money, emotional support and whatever else we have to give to anyone who asks (or doesn’t ask) for it. Maybe even that it’s a gateway to heaven!

Unfortunately, we often learn the hard way that this is a load of crap.

The truth is “Self-neglect is not a way to show how much you care for others,” writes Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. 

The upside of quiet quitting acknowledges that self-respect is how we demonstrate how much we care for others by taking care of ourselves.

Natural instincts

I learned a very strong work ethic from my parents. I also learned codependent behaviors. Not surprisingly, I learned to give 150 percent to everything and everyone because I believed it was loving, noble, and expected. That made me a sitting duck for abusers and narcissists — and I dated and worked for a string of them. It seemed the harder I worked and the more I gave, the worse it got.

This played out as taking the lion’s share of responsibilities in relationships, from doing all the housework and childcare to taking care of others, physically and emotionally, who were capable of taking care of themselves. (Also a sign of codependence, another concept we started hearing about in the 80s.)

Fast forward a few decades and I found myself in burn out. This is not a pretty place to be.

The universe is about balance. Animals know this instinctively. Like the king of the jungle, my house cats eat, rest, play, and explore according to their internal cycles. They’re also not afraid to let me know when they’d like attention and when enough is enough.

Unfortunately, many of us humans are socialized to ignore our internal rhythms and instincts.

Opposites attract

If we consistently accept more responsibility and expect less support from others, we’ll attract people and situations that expect less responsibility and accept more support from others. In other words, opposites attract.

It can be easy to point the finger at other people for our plight. But as one of the Alanon teachings goes, when you point a finger at someone, three more point back at you.

It’s a hard realization, but also a salve that can ease the pain of weak boundaries–because it’s deeply empowering.

The way out is the way in. Meaning, we have the power within to regain a sense of balance. It starts with understanding the connections between our past conditioning and our present behaviors.

Life-changing insights

In addition to our family dynamics, the typical culture in America celebrates high productivity and frowns upon so-called laziness. Busy-ness can also be a way to manage anxiety or to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or situations.

It may not be easy to overcome this deeply-embedded cultural and childhood conditioning, but it can be life-changing.

For me, that meant beginning to understand my limits, to learn how to say no as well as ask for help, to let go of seeking perfection, and to get over the shame or anxiety around giving myself time to rest.

Journaling, therapy, books, and coaching all provided clues and insights that helped me understand my conditioned beliefs and how to release their grip. It’s like our own personal research study. That knowledge can help us pinpoint potential solutions that can help us achieve more balance.

The power of up time

One very healthy (and enjoyable) way to rebalance ourselves is to prioritize self-care. That doesn’t necessarily mean getting massages, taking naps, or soaking in a hot bath—although I highly recommend all of these and no longer think of them as indulgences.

Self-care is also about taking time to meditate, journal, practice yoga, take a leisurely walk, read, listen to music, color with our kids (or alone), or snuggle with our pets.

It’s time to do nothing, which is one of the biggest misnomers there is. Because ‘doing nothing’ accomplishes everything.

In fact, I’d like to reframe downtime as uptime—as in filling up our minds, bodies, and spirits so we can show up as our best, most wonderful selves in any situation.

Small steps, big magic

Another way to nurture more balance is by ‘quietly quitting’ behaviors that don’t serve our higher good. For example:

• Is there a task you take on that goes unnoticed, is under appreciated, wastes your time, or could be handled by someone else? Give it up or give it away. If there’s fallout, then it’s probably a good opportunity to talk about resources.
• Do you regularly skip taking breaks, eating, or getting enough sleep to get more done? Consider whether achieving more is really necessary and worth risking your wellbeing. Sometimes there are deeper reasons why we drive ourselves so hard, like a craving for achievement or control.
• Are you too overscheduled or exhausted to embrace any of the self-care ideas above? Identify where you can say no or ask for help — and practice if it’s not comfortable for you.

As Goethe wrote, ““The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. Whatever you think you can do, or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, power and grace.”

In other words, when we commit to taking one small step towards supporting ourselves with better boundaries, we discover unexpected resources to support our efforts. That’s definitely an upside to quiet quitting.

Our early warning system

I continue to work at maintaining balance and healthy boundaries. I find it’s really important to pay close attention to the telltale signs of being out of balance and taking action to get back on board as soon as possible. I watch for both emotional signs (like irritation and frustration) and physical signs (insomnia or cravings) to name a few.

It’s like hearing that strange noise in the car when it’s out of alignment. If we wait too long to address it, the problem just gets worse.

The signs are different for all of us. Once we become aware of our personal ‘tells,’ we can use them as an early warning system.

The upside of quiet quitting

Even high-powered machines wear out when not maintained appropriately. So do we if we don’t maintain healthy emotional and physical boundaries. The upside of quiet quitting in this way is that we’re able to bring our best selves to work or home or any other situation — and offer more love, loyalty, enthusiasm, creativity, and sense of purpose to the world.

Need a little dose of courage? Do what I do and fire up Roar by Katy Perry.

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I’m a holistic life coach who specializes in expressive writing to nurture healing, insight, and creativity. Check out more inspirational articles at my blog, Good Vibrations. For more information about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com. Or email me at [email protected]. I invite you to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn, too!