Healing the heartbreak of betrayal

A betrayal feels like a bomb being dropped on our lives. We’re completely unprepared for the explosion—and we feel helpless as the world we knew and trusted goes up in flames. We’d like to “keep calm and carry on,” but painful memories, like pieces of shrapnel, continue to poke at us. To heal from the heartbreak of betrayal, we need to look beyond the rubble to identify the real source of our pain.

You dropped a bomb on me

Beware the Ides of March, warned the fortune teller in the famous play by Shakespeare. Julius Caesar scoffed at the advice. Sure enough, his life ended on March 15, betrayed by his so-called friend, Brutus.

We’ve all experienced this “stab in the back” at some point. A close friend lies or spreads gossip about us. A coworker undermines us. A partner drains the bank account. A lover cheats. There’s a whole Lifetime movie genre devoted to it!

No matter what the betrayal, the explosion is both shocking and painful. (Even worse for Caesar.)

To add insult to injury, we often place the blame on the wrong person: Ourselves.

Consumed by questions

When we experience a betrayal, it blindsides us like a sucker-punch to our gut. We feel dazed, confused, and consumed by unanswerable questions.

How did we not see the signs? How could we have been so foolish? Was everything else they said or did a lie, too? How can we make sure it never happens again?

This is another form of that ‘dirty pain’ I wrote about in my earlier blog, The most meaningful work we can do. Clean pain is the wound itself: the stab in the back. Dirty pain comes from the questions that infect our trust and confidence — not only in others, but in ourselves.

These unresolved questions cause suffering, like pieces of shrapnel that dig into our deepest places.

Drinking the poison

We’ve all heard the idea, holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Or the more positive version, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

From a mind-body perspective, anger that’s allowed to fester can manifest as disease in the body. Yet, even when we truly desire to forgive and forget, it may feel impossible. When we least expect it, a picture, a memory, a comment triggers us like an emotional landmine.

Next thing we know, all our anger blows up again. Our minds cycle through all the painful details of the betrayal and all those self accusations. Meanwhile, our bodies respond as if the whole scene is happening again.

Why do we torture ourselves this way? Because these landmines are buried much deeper than we realize.

Learning to blame ourselves

As little children, our survival depended on our caregivers. Many of us were also taught never to question our teachers, church leaders, police officers, and most of all, our family members. (Meanwhile, statistics show that 90 percent of child abuse is at the hands of people the victim knows and trusts — with 40 percent perpetrated by family members.)

Aside from these disturbing statistics, when adults fail to care or protect us properly — whether intentionally or not — it changes our worldview. Because children believe adults are perfect and know everything, we naturally conclude that their failures were somehow our fault. There must be something wrong with me.

So, when we grow up and experience betrayal, it seems natural to question and blame ourselves. That’s where we get stuck in the cycle.

Stop the interrogation

When we feel unable to move forward, we’re likely carrying ‘shrapnel’ from an earlier betrayal. A teacher who shamed or criticized us.  A caregiver who failed to give us the love and attention we deserved. A parent who didn’t parent.

This is not about pointing fingers of at anyone. (Although it may be warranted.)

This is about gaining a deeper understanding of our personal story and releasing what no longer serves us.

It’s about freeing ourselves from beliefs that do not honor our spirit, so we can heal the heartbreak of betrayal.

Practice mental magic

This healing begins with the mental magic of neuroplasticity. This is our brain’s ability to adapt and change in response to stimuli. We can tap this power for our own healing and higher good.

Everything we experience in our lives carves neural networks into our brains. These form, grow, and connect without our conscious awareness into what’s called the connectome. This becomes our map of the world — our perceptions and beliefs about ourselves and the people in our lives.

When we remain unaware of this, it can be like buying a new cell phone that’s hardwired with pre-programmed settings. We’d return that sucker in a heartbeat!

While we can’t exactly send our brains back to the factory, we DO have the power to rewire and reprogram our brains.

Stage an intervention

So, how can this mental magic help us heal from the heartbreak of betrayal? By staging a personal intervention.

Instead of asking questions that point the finger at our personal failings, grab a journal and start asking more productive questions. When did I feel this as a child? Where did I feel betrayed? How did this impact how I felt about myself?

This dialogue with ourselves can reveal some eye-opening insights. Because when we dig into those deeply-embedded memories, we locate the buried shrapnel. That’s where we find answers that can truly free us from the cycle of emotional pain and self-blame.

When we realize that betrayal is not about our failings, but rather about the failings of others, we begin to see ourselves in a new, more loving light.

Step into the arena

Our hearts are tender organs that are easily wounded. While our rib cage protects us physically, we often choose to wear emotional armor, too.

When we use this to shield ourselves from potential betrayals, we end up betraying ourselves. Not only by continuing to blame ourselves for someone else’s actions, but also by closing our hearts to new people and experiences.

If we’ve been hurt before, it can feel intensely vulnerable to open ourselves up again. But if we desire to feel love, connection, and joy, we must also risk disappointment — and betrayal.

Brene Brown calls this stepping into the arena. In other words, “letting people see who you really are without your armor.”

Truth is, all of us adults are imperfect. Fortunately, wounds heal much faster and cleaner when we don’t let dirty pain infect them.

By making peace with our past, we invite peace into our present — and find a path of healing from the heartbreak of betrayal once and for all.

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I’m a holistic life coach who specializes in expressive writing to nurture healing, insight, and creativity. For more information about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com or email me at [email protected]. And share my Good Vibrations blog with others!