The hex of high maintenance

Picky Passionate Proud. This catchy headline spoke to me, along with the beautiful tabby cat featured in the magazine ad. Yes, felines are notoriously finicky — high maintenance as some would say. Yet, I can’t help but admire their refusal to accept anything less than what makes them purr with pleasure: Food. Sleep. Comfort. Attention. Meanwhile, many of us humans deny ourselves all of this and more. That’s not our nature, it’s our cultural conditioning. And it’s how the hex of high maintenance exerts control over us. Fortunately, we can break the spell.

You cast a spell on me

The label ‘high maintenance’ is often used to shame people into silence and compliance. In other words, a way to mock (and control) people who set clear standards for themselves. It’s a douse of shame that aims to prevent us from expressing our needs and desires — and even worse, maintaining clear boundaries.

if we succumb to the hex, our spirit weakens and eventually we may lose all connection with our authentic needs and desires. It’s like one of those fairytales where the witch casts a spell upon a princess to make her forget her royal roots.

Rediscovering our truth is how we gain the strength to banish the hex.

Babies know best

As babies, we came into the world with cat-like clarity. We screamed and cried until our needs were met. Then came the ‘terrible twos’ and those notorious tantrums.

But if our caregivers didn’t or couldn’t respond, it changed us and how we perceived the world.

Maybe it was overt, like being called selfish or weird or weak. Or maybe circumstantial, because our caregivers didn’t have the time, money, or awareness to respond to our needs and desires.

Either way, we stopped asking at all rather than risk shame, rejection, abandonment, or even violence.

Not a blame game

This is not about blaming parents. I’m a parent myself and I believe we all do the best we know how at the time.

This is about freeing ourselves from the hex of high maintenance. In other words, identifying and rejecting the shame of false beliefs — and reclaiming our power to attract what we desire in life.

This hex convinces us to adjust our behavior to meet the expectations of others through people pleasing or downplaying ourselves. It creates the belief that sacrificing ourselves is noble and necessary for survival.

Yet most of us would like to do more than just survive.

When Harry met Sally

The classic movie When Harry Met Sally comes to mind. When Harry (Billy Crystal) goes on a road trip with Sally (Meg Ryan), he initially mocks her for being so high maintenance. Yet, a friendship blossoms and when Sally hears that her ex-boyfriend is getting married, the news punches her in the gut. She turns to Harry for comfort and sobbing through Kleenex after Kleenex, she rants:

“I’m difficult, I’m too structured, I drove him away!”

In that moment of intense vulnerability, Sally believes if she’d only downplayed her needs, her ex would have “put a ring on it.” Then she’d be walking down the aisle to her happily ever after.

Possibly. But she’d also be exchanging vows with the wrong person.

Power of attraction

I won’t spoil the ending for anyone who hasn’t seen the movie. The point is that the hex of high maintenance convinces us that to get what we desire, we need to smother our authentic selves.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

When we don’t clarify our needs or honor and protect our own boundaries, we block our power of attraction.

This applies to attracting a soul mate, a friend, a job, or anything else our hearts desire. We may be popular or successful or married, but deep down we’ll always feel like something is missing.

Sally appeared to be quite clear about her needs and desires. But in her vulnerable state, she revealed some hidden shame.

Hello, hex.

Repeat after me

Unfortunately, there’s no magic wand that instantly releases us from the hex.

But that’s okay—because we carry the power within to free ourselves. The antidote is found in the miracle of neuroplasticity.

When we choose a new or different thought, we create a new neural pathway in our brain. Then it’s all about repetition: The more we choose the new thought pattern, the deeper and stronger that neural pathway grows. At the same time, the old neural pathway weakens and even dies off, according to neuroscientists.

Goodbye, hex.

It doesn’t matter how old we are or how long the hex hibernated inside us. Because contrary to old beliefs, we can teach an old dog new tricks.

As Deepak Chopra reminds us in the meditation series, Getting Unstuck, “I am in control of my brain, not the other way around.”

Old habits die hard

This takes some courage and resolve, of course. As author and researcher Brene Brown says, “In a society that says, ‘Put yourself last,’ self-love and self-acceptance are almost revolutionary.”

Some people in our lives may prefer we continue tending to their needs or desires and making them the center of attention. While others may secretly wish they could banish the hex of high maintenance from their own lives.

Their words and actions may trigger what Brene calls a ‘shame storm,’ a tsunami of old thoughts and beliefs that flood our mind with fear and panic.

Yet, in the mind as on the playing field, the best defense is a good offense.

Battle within the brain

Our amygdala is small but mighty. This part of the brain is dedicated to keeping us safe at all costs. It’s our center of flight/flight/flee/fawn, so it will always drive us to return to the safer path of silence and compliance. That’s why old habits often die hard.

Fortunately, our more evolved friends, the frontal lobes, help us remember that we’re simply dealing with a hex. It’s not real or true: FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

It may take a few minutes for our brains to process this, but practice and repetition strengthens those new pathways making it more automatic with time.

A revolutionary perspective

Justine Bateman faced this dilemma recently. She starred as the boy-crazy teenage sister on the popular 80s TV show, Family Ties. Decades later, she’s added writer, producer, and author to her list of accomplishments. Yet cyber bullies took to social media to attack her for the crime of no longer looking 25.

Rather than succumb to a shame storm, Justine offered a more revolutionary perspective:

“Are you living a life that has a foundation of fear-based or instinct-based decisions? You can get to one kind of life from the other. In exposing your core fears, by writing them down or saying them out loud, they’ll start to erode.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Journaling is a powerful tool.

Writing with intention reveals our often-hidden internal dialogue, unveiling our fears as well as our innermost desires. It helps reinforce those new neural pathways, and as Justine says, pathways to a different kind of life.

Oops, I did it again

Upsetting the status quo will always upset some people. Oops, I did it again, as another famous lady said. In other words, their feelings are their responsibility not ours.

At the same time, it’s not their responsibility to deliver what we need or desire. If we want others to respect who we are, we need to respect who they are, too.

I used to think that if someone loved or valued me, they’d know what makes me happy. But there were two important pieces missing: (a) I wasn’t yet clear on what I needed or desired, so how could they know, and (b) some people simply will not or cannot honor them. No amount of tantrums can change that.

When we invest the time in getting clear within and release the need to control the outside, we raise our vibration. Then we can let go of what isn’t working for us and more powerfully attract what will.

Reframing the hex of high maintenance

Ultimately, we have the power to fulfill our own needs and desires.

We also have the power to reframe the shame-inducing label of high maintenance. Instead, we can proudly embrace it as healthy maintenance and recognize that standards and boundaries are an essential part of our own self-care.

Then maybe we’ll understand the source of that powerful purr emanating from our fur babies. Because it feels so darn good to be as picky, passionate, and proud as a feline.

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As a certified holistic life coach, my goal is to share the insights I continue to gather along my personal path of growth and healing to help inspire and guide others. For more information about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com or email me at [email protected]. And share my Good Vibrations blog with anyone who needs a little boost today!