Anything but fine

There are 170,000 words in the English language — each a beautiful gift that enables us to connect with each other. Yet how often do we throw away these opportunities by defaulting to fine. Think about it: How are you? I’m fine. You feeling okay? I’m fine. How was your day? Fine. This often slips out even when we’re feeling anything but fine. While these little white lies may seem harmless, our spirit may beg to differ.

Seeking more than likes

Of course, we all know someone who reveals way too much of themselves to people they just met. Or post about every personal detail (or someone else’s) on social media. In fact, it seems to be a growing trend as influencers launch entire careers based on “being real” about their personal lives.

But that’s just weak boundaries and elevated egos. For those of us seeking more than likes and followers, we need to dig a little deeper to create meaningful connections.

The volcano inside

As children, many of us were shamed or punished for expressing our feelings. To protect ourselves from further abuse, we donned a mask of cheerful agreement, stuffing our feelings behind it. Everything’s fine.

But inside we feel like a volcano with hot lava swirling around and threatening to erupt. To keep the lid on things, we often turn to food, alcohol, TV, shopping, or other habits that numb us, the ‘flee’ or ‘freeze’ response to fear.

On the other hand, we might desperately seek understanding and connection by getting too chummy or intimate with people we barely know, the ‘fawn’ response to fear.

In both cases, the fear centers of the brain are on high alert, ready to douse the tiniest flame of a real feeling. But that emotional energy is still there no matter how often we turn our back on it. And make no mistake, it will erupt.

Our internal guidance system

By not honoring our feelings, we unconsciously make a pact with our original abusers that our feelings don’t matter.

Yet, they do matter. Emotions aren’t just some wishy-washy urges that we must learn to control. They serve a critical function as our internal guidance system — a personal GPS helping us to navigate our world.

Our feelings are like a best friend who always tells us the truth, even when it’s hard to say. When we listen, they shield us from harm and empower us to experience and express our deepest desires. If we won’t listen or block them, we miss out on this wisdom as well as richer relationships and a more meaningful life.

Letting go of control

That’s not to say that everyone welcomes our honest emotions. If we’ve held them in for quite some time, it’s likely they won’t be easy to hear.

But it’s really not their fault, is it? We’re the ones hiding behind little white lies.

Plus, blaming others only gives our power away.

It’s not our job to force anyone to accept how we feel or to respond in a way we desire. Our job is to be honest with ourselves and process our feelings in a safe space.

That’s part of having healthy boundaries and clear responsibilities.

Pay attention with intention

We can start by journaling or reaching out to a counselor or coach. It’s also eye-opening to become aware of the words and phrases we frequently use. Whether written or spoken, our words reveal a story that can help us see or hear where we’re being honest and where we’re not.

As we pay attention and intentionally connect with our buried treasure of emotions, we begin to reconnect with our authentic selves. That’s how we heal from the inside out.

It’s also where we find the strength to remove the mask of cheerful agreement and express ourselves like adults rather than frightened children.

Good for us and the planet

Committing to these healing practices is an important part of self-care, which may seem indulgent or silly. It is not.

First of all, holding anger and other negative emotions inside is associated with a host of health issues, like heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. The stress it puts on our mental health is costly, too. Not to mention the unhealthy coping mechanisms mentioned above.

It’s also our responsibility to our personal evolution — and to the world.

Make love not war

Being loving, kind, and honest towards ourselves raises our vibration, which in turn helps to raise the vibration of the planet. Sounds a little dramatic, but it’s a scientific fact.

Humans are comprised of particles of energy which we have the power to influence with our thoughts and emotions. Positive thoughts and emotions create higher vibrations; negative ones drag it down.

Why does that matter?

Well, just look at the world today. It’s not surprising that we want to numb ourselves. But checking out is how we allow fear to win.

Feeling good as hell

We all desire to find people who value us for who we really are, not a caricature we created to protect ourselves. The only way to accomplish this is to foster the courage to be honest.

Love is the antidote to fear. To operate from a higher level than fight, flight, freeze or fawn, we need to offer love and acceptance to the most tender and vulnerable parts of ourselves — our feelings. Show them that they (and we) matter.

When we begin to venture down this sometimes rocky path, we may need to let go of some people or situations, which can be tough. But it creates the space and freedom to explore new opportunities that make us feel all types of ways…vibrant, strong, excited, joyful, fantastic. Or as Lizzo proudly proclaims, feeling good as hell!

In other words, anything but fine.

Get more Good Vibrations!

As a certified holistic life coach, my goal is to share the insights I continue to gather along my personal path of growth and healing to help inspire and guide others. For more information about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com or email me at [email protected]. And share my Good Vibrations blog with anyone who needs a little boost today!