The levee of little white lies

“I’m fine.” Why is this so often our canned response when someone asks how we’re feeling? Meanwhile, in her book Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown describes a rainbow of 87 distinct emotions that we could be feeling. Not surprisingly, ‘fine’ is not on the list. Although it seems harmless enough, a habitual pattern of canned responses like these can become an unconscious way to escape from feeling. Over time, a levee of little white lies builds inside — a blockage that affects our health, our happiness, and our ability to attract what we desire.  Fortunately, it’s never too late to reverse direction.

Timing is everything

Sometimes ‘fine’ is well, fine. Like when the local barista or a casual acquaintance or coworker is asking just to be cordial. That’s not exactly the time or place to bare our souls.

Yet some of us avoid expressing how we feel in little ways every day. If you tend to put yourself on the back burner and resist expressing how you feel, one or more of these exchanges probably resonates:

• What’s wrong, honey? Nothing.
• What do you want to do this weekend? Whatever.
• Where do you want to go for dinner? I don’t care.
• Will you bake 100 cupcakes for the bake sale? Sure!
• Can you take on that extra project? No problem.

In some cases, maybe we truly do feel this way. But often we’re just being agreeable on the outside, while it’s a whole different story on the inside. These little situations may seem insignificant, but each one adds to that levee of little white lies.

The emotional advantage

Consider how a 30-second commercial can move us to tears or create a craving for pizza despite having just finished dinner. Advertisers capitalize on the power of emotions. Meanwhile, we smother and ignore them all the time!

A big mistake. Because emotions are the language of our body and our soul. When we listen, they offer clues and insights about ourselves and the world around us.

That’s why Brene’s atlas metaphor is so perfect. The heart is like a compass that guides us through life. (By the way, the cover art on her book is stunning.)

Without our heart compass we may feel lost or confused and look to others for direction. We may even end up in that doomsday territory found on ancient maps, “there be dragons.”

Embrace your anahata

From an energetic standpoint, our ‘compass’ is part of the heart chakra—our center of love, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, and joy. In Sanskrit the heart chakra is known as “anahata” which translates to “unhurt, unstruck, and unbeaten.”

This is how we come into the world — with a pure, whole, and open heart.

As we grow, we experience being ‘hurt’ or ‘beaten’ by people and experiences. Unfortunately, not many of us learned how to manage and process how we feel when this happens.

Instead, well-meaning elders often told us to just get over it or to hit back harder or they stuffed us with sugar to stop the crying. (Same strategies their elders used.) Or maybe they punished or bullied us in some way for even daring to show any feelings. Or, maybe no one was around to even care.

No decision is a decision

To make matters worse, many of us were also raised to believe that expressing needs or desires is greedy, selfish, or weak. For some, the consequences were outright frightening, dangerous, fatal, or even eternal—like hell fire and damnation.

To survive or keep the peace, we stopped looking to and trusting our internal compass to guide our decisions. Yet, NOT making a decision IS a decision.

No wonder there’s so much dysfunction around food, sex, or even taking time to rest. We can’t eat without specific dietary rules; date (let alone sleep) with someone unless others approve; or take a nap if the house is a mess.

Meanwhile, that levee of little white lies continues to grow. Behind it is a whole lot of anger, resentment, sadness, and hopelessness. (All on Brene’s list.)

Signs of trouble

When we fail to express our feelings, our heart chakra can become blocked and out of balance. This may show up as co-dependent or manipulative behaviors, feeling unworthy, or an inability to trust ourselves and others. Physically, we may experience heart issues, like high blood pressure, or lung issues, like chronic bronchitis.

In his research and work with patients, Dr. Gabor Mate also notes that “the role of our emotions is boundary integrity. To keep out what is unhealthy and let in what is enriching. The immune system has similar roles.”

In other words, boundaries are meant to keep us healthy — both in the body and in our lives. And emotions let us know when our boundaries are being respected or trampled on.

Most of us weren’t taught about boundaries either, which simply means being clear about what we will and won’t accept. But if we’re numb to or confused about our feelings, ignore them, or can’t express them, our boundaries are weak and shaky. So is our health.

Don’t you dare

This also prevents us from seeking and experiencing our heart’s desire in relationships, career choices, creative expression, and other life experiences.

For example, we may choose to stay in the friend zone when deep down we desire to confess our undying love. Or settle for a 9-to-5 job while fantasizing about flying airplanes. Or dutifully pay the monthly mortgage while dreaming of exploring the world.

Our brains may rationalize that this is all fine. But we can’t fool the heart.

As Ted Lasso’s infamously gruff Roy Kent said, “don’t you dare settle for fine.”

Seeds of possibility

How do we reverse directions? By reengaging with our heart compass.

We can start by simply noticing those auto-pilot answers and practice being more conscious about responding. This may mean taking a few breaths to connect with our heart chakra first, even placing a hand there. Or pausing to ask for a little time to think about it.

This may feel silly or selfish at first, but that’s how our conditioning seeps in to shame us. It’s so ingrained in us that we often heap shame on ourselves even when we’re alone!

But there’s an antidote. As Brene says, “if you put shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

So each time we are kind to ourselves, we challenge shame. As we honor even the smallest of our needs and desires, we plant seeds of self-worth and possibility. These grow into more expansive ideas as we build the strength and confidence to voice them.

We can further strengthen this connection by practicing a guided heart-brain coherence meditation like this one.

Not a ransom note

Expressing our needs and desires isn’t meant to be a ransom note of our personal demands. We can get stuck if we place all of our expectations on one person or situation to deliver what we desire or else!

It’s like being at a French restaurant, but we really desire Italian food. If we choose to stay, we’ll just need to order from what’s on the menu, and that can be fine. Maybe even surprisingly delightful.

But if we keep trying to coerce our waiter into bringing us homemade fettucine, it’s not going to happen. We just end up exhausted and hungry. Then point angry fingers of blame at the source of our pain. But as they say in Alanon, when we point a finger, four more point back at us.

Plus, when we narrow ourselves to just a few options, we can’t even imagine the world of possibilities available to us. As children, we didn’t always have the freedom to explore. Now we do.

The levee of little white lies

When we engage our magical compass inside and embrace our true emotions, we begin to dismantle the levee of little white lies. That’s how we release the flow of energy in our heart chakras.

As this happens, we begin to feel the messages our bodies have for us as we reconnect with our inner most desires. This can also help us create and maintain stronger boundaries — and we’ll likely find that unwanted behaviors and physical conditions begin to ease unexpectedly.

And who knows, our compass may direct us to spending Saturday afternoons napping in a hammock—or to enjoying the most amazing Italian meal ever in the heart of Sicily.

As they say, the heart wants what the heart wants.

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As a certified holistic life coach, my goal is to share the insights I continue to gather along my personal path of growth and healing to help inspire and guide others. For more information about life coaching, visit my website at www.manifestwithmargrita.com or email me at [email protected]. And share my Good Vibrations blog with anyone who needs a little boost today!