The truth about love bombing

Some people are so desperate to find romantic love, they resort to something called love bombing.* This involves flooding an object of desire with a veritable tsunami of attention, flattery, and affection. While that may sound delightful, in this extreme form it becomes emotional abuse intended to manipulate and control. Think Fatal Attraction or Baby Reindeer. But here’s another truth about love bombing: In the search for love, connection, and intimacy, most all of us will go to great lengths to woo our beloved. Meanwhile, we forget about wooing the one relationship that truly is ’til death do us part. Yet, by simply pointing Cupid’s arrow in another direction, we create a vibrational match to all we desire.

Love American Style

Romance is BIG for big business. That’s because it’s so effective at moving merch—all those cards, candy, gifts, flowers, dinners, and related stuff that celebrates the loving touch of Cupid’s arrow. In fact, last year Americans spent upwards of $25 billion on Valentine’s Day and nearly $220 billion on weddings! (Meanwhile, people complain about the cost of groceries. Go figure.)

Add to that all the long-running TV series about finding that elusive soul mate: The Bachelor, Bachelorette, and now Golden Bachelorette. 90 Day Fiancé. Married at First Sight. The Ultimatum.

Yet, romantic love is such a small sliver of the pie. If we realize this, we might stop blowing so much money on a forcing that fairytale ending—and start looking for love in all the right places.

Can’t buy me love

If we wish to attract anything, whether that’s love, success, abundance or anything else, we must be a vibrational match to being worthy of receiving it. That means loving ourselves first.

Sounds corny, I know. And a little simplistic.

That’s how I felt when I first heard this advice decades ago. Unfortunately, I also found it to be as puzzling as a Rubik’s Cube.

Because in the golden age of self-improvement, everything reminded us of all the work we needed to do on ourselves and all the stuff we needed to buy before we could feel socially acceptable — let alone believe we’re worthy of love.

Again, good for big business; bad for our bank accounts. Not to mention, completely backwards.

Actions louder than words

Despite continuing to feed millions into the self-improvement industry, there doesn’t seem to be much improvement happening.

A backlash to this is the surge in body positivity movements that encourage us to accept and love ourselves as we are. So why do we still see so many people struggling with insecurity, low self esteem, and depression? Where’s the instruction manual on how to love and accept ourselves as we are?

This is where we spin that Cupid’s arrow around and ‘self-love bomb’ ourselves in the kindest, gentlest way possible.

Love is a verb (an action), not a noun (an object). When we practice self-care and treat ourselves in loving ways, we demonstrate that we’re worthy of love — as we are right now, with so-called flaws and all. (Keep in mind, one person’s ‘flaw’ is also another person’s treasure.)

Here’s another truth about love bombing: When we feel like we’re ‘the bomb,’ we vibrate at higher frequencies. This in turn increases our powers of positive attraction. And no matter where we are in life, we realize we’re worthy of whatever we desire.

Be the bomb

Repetition is king (as the advertising industry knows), so the more we practice, the deeper we embed self-love and self-esteem into our neural networks. Plus, it boosts our immune system and our physical energy. Who doesn’t want more of that, especially during the winter months?

Since we’re surrounded by Valentine’s Day marketing, we might think of ‘self-love bombing’ ourselves with gifts, flowers, and candy. Great ideas if they make your heart sing.

But how about investing some deeper thought into wooing the affections of that gorgeous soul in the mirror? In other words, be more thoughtful and intentional about what makes you feel loved, honored, and cherished. Then as Nike says, just do it.

The language of love

We’ve all likely heard of the love languages from the best-selling book by Gary Chapman. Those five languages are acts of service; receiving gifts; quality time; words of affirmation; and physical touch.

Chapman posits that by understanding and honoring our partner’s preferred way of receiving love, we create stronger connections and deeper intimacy. We demonstrate that we not only ‘get’ our partner, we also care about their happiness.

But what about our own preferred love language? Do we honor it — or dishonor it? Do we wait for others to speak our love language to us? Do we pine for that prince or princess charming that knows exactly what we desire?

Do we even know what our love language is? (If not, take this free, two-minute quiz.)

Once we become fluent in our love language, we need to speak it into existence. In other words, drop ‘self-love bombs’ that show how much we love, honor, and respect ourselves, our needs, and everything our hearts desire.

Creating a self-love practice

Once we understand our love language, there are dozens of ways to express it to ourselves. For example:

• Acts of service: Do something nice for yourself, like hiring someone to handle a task you dislike—or delegating it to a family member if possible. Learning to ask for what we need is sometimes challenging, but it’s an amazing way to show we value ourselves.
• Receiving gifts: Give yourself a little gift each day. It doesn’t need to be expensive (or it can be—you’re worth it.) Just something that makes you smile and feel special.
• Quality time: Schedule some time to focus on yourself, like going for a walk alone in nature, getting a manicure, or writing in a journal in the morning.
• Words of affirmation: Speak lovingly to and about yourself. This can be challenging if we’re programmed to criticize or berate ourselves. This is just a bad habit. When those thoughts seep in, replace them with positive affirmations. (I am worthy, I am enough, I am lovable, I am THE bomb.)
• Physical touch: Indulge yourself in comfort and coziness—your clothing, your home, your bedding, etc. Take a bubble bath or snuggle up with your partner, your kids, or your fur babies.

One of the beautiful things about these practices is that they don’t need to cost any money at all.

Yet, we might also ask: Are we willing to spend time, energy, or money on someone else but not ourselves? If so, there could be an emotional wound that needs healing — consider doing some reflective writing in a journal. (See below for prompts.)

Infinity and beyond!

Keep in mind, there’s no rule that says we can’t practice more than one love language—or ALL of them. Plus, it’s like compound interest, meaning we continue to expand and build our vibrational energy higher and higher over time.

Does this all feel selfish or foolish? Truly, it’s not. Showing love for ourselves offers loving vibrations to the whole universe. It’s a way to show our gratitude for life and all the wonderful ways we can experience love through so many meaningful languages.

The sad truth is that our conditioning often tells us otherwise—that we’re not worthy of love, so we must resort to desperate measures to find it. This is limited thinking that lowers our vibration, blocking us from attracting our deepest desires.

If thoughts of self-doubt or low self-worth come up, visualize yourself as Cupid holding a quiver of positive affirmations instead of arrows. Then imagine aiming a positive affirmation at each negative thought. For good measure, follow with a little self-love bomb, or two or three, in the language that’s meant exclusively for you.

Because YOU get you — and that’s the most powerful way to manifest love and anything else our hearts desire.

*Please note: My intention is not to treat the topic of love bombing lightly. These situations can grow dangerous and even deadly. If you need help, seek professional counseling. I also recommend the book, The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker.

 

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Reflective writing prompts for journaling about self-love

• How did my mother and father show their love for me as a child and to each other?
• Do I see any similar patterns, positive or negative, in my own relationships?
• What is my love language? Do I honor or ignore it?
• When do I feel love in my life? Consider connections with ‘non-humans’ like animals, music, nature, and other heart-felt experiences.
• How have I been wounded by love? (Eg., being rejected or abandoned or by losing someone.) Do I have unresolved feelings about that?
• Do I deny myself love secretly or in overt ways? Why might I be doing this?